Love is such a wonderful thing......until it isn't.
As women, we tend to have high hopes for love. This begins in childhood when our heads are filled with fairy tales and happily ever after movies. Unfortunately, the movies never follow a relationship through until the shine wears off.
In the real world, we often deal with disappointment, unrequited love, narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, and ghosting.The landscape for love in the modern world is far different than a fairy tale!
So, why do good people end up in toxic relationships? What is it about them that keeps us repeating negative patterns over and over?
Here are some common themes I see in my clients who've dealt with toxic relationships in the past.
Low self-esteem is a vicious trap.
Sometimes, people end up in toxic relationships because they don't have a healthy sense of self. This is often due to growing up in households where they witnessed or experienced "toxic love". If a positive self-image wasn't introduced or nurtured early, then a child is often left in doubt about their worthiness or value. As an adult, this doubt grows subconsciously. You may eventually feel as if you don't deserve a happy and loving relationship.
Your role models were toxic themselves.
As children, we learn relationship modeling from the people in our family. This is usually our parents, or grandparents. If you saw toxicity regularly, then you didn't have a positive foundation on which to build healthy expressions of love. What you saw, heard, or experienced can shape your view of what is healthy or acceptable behavior in relationships. As you grow older, you're able to somewhat recognize or even reject toxicity when you encounter it. However, you may tolerate it longer than necessary to remain in a relationship and avoid being alone.
You're a rescuer and are drawn to people you want to fix.
Ok empaths, this one is for you! If you read my blog last week about the Healer/Caregiver archetype (you can read it here), then you know that a negative expression of the healer archetype is to rescue when it's not needed or wanted. As a natural healer, you're able to sense when someone is in trouble and have an idea of exactly how to help. However, others may be unaware they're broadcasting a troubled "vibe".
Within each challenge lies an opportunity for learning and healing. These kinds of things really can't be rushed, and some people need more time than others. When we rush in to rescue or "fix" a situation, we often rob someone of their opportunity to learn a lesson. As a result, they repeat the behavior and we get frustrated because they didn't learn!
The desire to "save" someone is practically programmed into the healer archetype's DNA. Don't let the desire to help someone blind you to the red flags a person is also displaying in their behavior.
If you've been in toxic relationships in the past, then PLEASE know that doesn't have to be your future! The key to breaking the pattern of being attracted to toxic people is to LOVE YOURSELF. I mean really, truly, deeply fall in love with the magnificent creature that you are. The closer you are to your true self, the more you attract people who are right for you. If you don't know where to start, then consider booking a Neuro-Emotional Technique (N.E.T.) session with me for clarity and guidance. These sessions are designed to help to reconnect with your talents, happiness, and confidence while freeing you of any guilt or shame. You deserve the very best in life. So let's make it happen!
Dr. April Darley is an expert at resolving stuck patterns of behavior through Neuro-Emotional Technique (N.E.T.). By identifying self-sabotaging behaviors, she can help you regain confidence, improve relationships, remove blocks to health, wealth and success in any area of your life.